Inside / Outside

I have no misconceptions about my abilities as a jazz saxophone player. I could name dozens of people in Vancouver who can play circles around me in a straight-ahead setting. As a ferinstance, last Saturday night, after Phil Dwyer's outstanding performance with the Hard Rubber Orchestra, I was speaking with Eli Bennett. He'd recently come back from playing in LA for one of the official Grammy Awards all-star bands, and will be opening for McCoy Tyner on June 30 at the Ottawa Jazz Festival. He is the real deal and he hasn't yet graduated from high school.

I inhabit a musical netherworld with one foot lodged in straight-ahead playing and the other more firmly planted in improvised music. Few sax players here in Vancouver hang their shingle out there. IMHO, Saul Berson and Graham Ord do it most successfully. Francois Houle obliterates all boundaries, but he's exclusively a clarinettist now. Coat Cook has some mean R&B chops, which he puts to good use, but his forte is new music. Dave Say can play anything, but the main body of his work is on the more straight-ahead side of things. Danny Kane had a rep for many years as the absolute wildman of the bari sax. Not as well known is that he has some of the most killing straight-ahead chops of anyone in town. His notoriety overshadowed that and for many years, he could not get enough straight-up paying work, partially due to that rep. The last time we spoke, he was shying away from doing any new improv projects that would reinforce that image.

This is the niche that I have chosen to place myself in, as I have been drawn to more progressive and avante-garde forms of music ever since my teens. My formal studies have always been in classical or standard jazz styles and I have been studying with Stan Karp for over 10 years. He's arguably the best saxophone teacher in Western Canada, one of the very best on the West Coast, steeped in the traditions of his mentors Bill Green, Buddy Collette and Joe Henderson. I consider him to be a dear friend and inspiration - I owe him a huge debt of gratitude.

Also over the last 10 years I have taken countless workshops in improvised music, many thanks to the tireless efforts of Coat Cooke in particular, Ron Samworth and the New Orchestra Workshop Society. I was a participant in the 2005 Vancouver Creative Music Institute with stellar new music figures such as the brilliant George Lewis, Mark Dresser, Nicole Mitchell and Mwata Bowden, the latter two being prominent members of Chicago's famed AACM. The highlight of VCMI for me was the opportunity to spend several days with Evan Parker, where I endeavoured to absorb as much I possibly could. Evan was extremely generous and gracious during our time together.

That all being said, I consider myself on the very long and slow track to mastering my instrument. I never was a young lion like Eli, and it's getting past the time for me to be an old lion. I just keep moving ahead down that long road at my own pace. I still feel like I get a tiny, tiny bit better every time I play and I hope it always is that way in my life. Now and then I hit the turbo and zoom down the road for a stretch. The programs at Banff are turbochargers goosed with anabolic steroids.

The road isn't without its bumps and in the raw emotional atmosphere at Banff, one is particularly vulnerable. I really felt I was playing way over my ability that first year at Banff. My insecurity had been gnawing a little at me, saying I was a fraud for presuming that I was good enough for the likes of Hugh Fraser and Maria Schneider, but frankly I was too damn busy just keeping afloat rather than listening to that particular voice.

After the final concert of Maria's works, we had a final blowout party and jam session at the Music and Sound Building. The air was tinged with melancholy because the program was over and some people will have departed before most of the rest of us woke the next day to deal with our hangovers.

I had said my final goodbyes and had actually walked out the door when one of those aforementioned innocuous remarks hit me in the gut hard.

I've debated internally whether or not to post who said it or what was said, and on reflection, it really doesn't matter. It was just one of those smartass remarks in the vein of "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out." Said between old friends, it's really nothing.

What was important was how I handled it, not well, as it turned out. I took it as a harsh judgement of my playing abilities, and that little voice of negativity in my head broke loose. I was a total fraud, I dragged the orchestra down, I only got invited to Banff because I was a friend of Lorae's who could afford to go at the last minute, everybody hated me, blah, blah, blah. This ate at me all that night and for weeks to come. It certainly took the shine off of the whole experience.

It took me a long time to come to terms with my insecurities. Lorae and Hugh, my wife Clara, Stan Karp and others were very supportive, but it was something I had to put to rest myself. I now think that part of it was just a self-generated reaction against the quantum leap that I had just taken. I also had the realization that the comment was a way of reminding me that the outside world is not always a very nice place.

Hugh has put enourmous energy over the years into creating an inclusive, open and positive atmosphere at his programs in Banff. It is in a drop-dead gorgeous physical location and the facilities are superb. The food is a topic for another posting. It's very easy to create a perception of the Banff Centre being a bubble of perfection, isolated from the rest of the world. You get the urge to cocoon yourself up there forever and never go back.

Hugh does take time at the end of every program to talk about integrating yourself back into the real world and strategies for carrying on the spirit of what transpired in the program. I just never expected to have my bubble burst to suddenly.

But yeah, the real world is full of disappointment, asshole club owners, indifferent audiences and jaded, judgemental musicians, Revenue Canada, etc., so deal with it. And model yourself in in way that you really want to live. Pursue your dreams. Live in integrity. Enjoy yourself. Surround yourself with like-minded people. Give and receive love.

It took me a while to get my head around all of this. In the end, it was one of the two great insights that I had. The first was that I was actually capable of being involved in the creation of music at the highest level. The second was that life has a way of throwing unexpected curveballs, but it's how I deal with it that really counts. That was the more important of the two lessons.

As for the person who made that remark, our relationship had a few more twists and turns, and now I am honoured to consider him a friend.